So over the last couple of weeks something has shifted in me. Something dramatic has changed. I have stepped things up a whole notch and it feels like the perfect mixture of excitement and pure terror. I have always been myself on the blog and my social channels, I always share real things and for some people maybe I am a bit 'too much', and I am cool with that. I have accepted (thanks to my yoga teaching) that I can't be all things to all people.
However, there has still been a part of me held back. A part of me that worried about whether I 'should' be so honest and open, and whether people would want to work with me, come to my classes, or be part of my tribe, if I really truly talked about all the crazy sh*t that goes on in my life.
But that was then, and this is now.
So what has changed?
A few things have shifted over the past few weeks, in fact over the past few months since I returned from my travels back in February. Before I went away I wasn't sure whether I could do 'this' anymore. And by 'this' I meant continuing on with the lifestyle I have been creating over the past eighteen months. The lifestyle that involves me teaching yoga, running my coaching business, supporting wellness brands and juggling many different balls all at the same time (as the legendary Marie Forleo says... multi-passionate!). The lifestyle that involves me having to show up day in, day out on social media, on my blog, in class, putting 'me' out into the world in order to keep myself financially afloat.
I was so utterly exhausted, depleted and low that I actually decided to write my CV (well started to anyway) and resigned myself to the fact that I just wasn't cut out for this rollercoaster anymore. I wasn't the business woman I thought I was. I should just get a job, give up on my dreams and choose the safer route out of this situation. (not saying a job is always safe, but having been my own boss for nearly fifteen years having someone else be responsible for paying my wages felt safer at that point!) I felt guilty for putting so much pressure on my husband, I felt shame that I hadn't managed to make it work in the way that I thought I could, I felt frustrated, angry, upset and disappointed in myself.
I felt like maybe I had made a mistake. I felt like I just couldn't cope with the uncertainty anymore. I felt that when I had created a business before - it hadn't been this hard - and maybe I just wasn't cut out for it this time around. Now that I have a mortgage, debts to pay off, bills to settle.
So as I attempted to write my CV (looking back at all the things I have done over the past 15 years or so) I felt a block in my body, in my throat, in my stomach. I had so much physical resistance to this seemingly small task. Tears were literally rolling down my face as I faced up to the fact that I was saying goodbye to my visions, to the things that I felt so passionately about, but I felt I had no choice.
I felt sick, I felt depleted, I felt anxious, I felt low, I felt beaten. These are not the feelings of a woman about to step into her power and do the things that are aligned in her path. These are the feelings that appear when we are doing something out of our flow. There is a big difference from being blocked by fear and being scared to move forwards to the blocks put up by our inner guidance and intuition.
When it burns, it burns deeply...
So it seemed there was still a tiny ember still glowing in that fire. A burning desire that was so deeply routed in me to create magic in this world that I just couldn't give it up. It has often been told to me that in order to breakthrough, you often have to breakdown first, and I believe that was exactly where I was at. This was the universe challenging me to find out if I REALLY wanted this.
It wasn't the first time, and it certainly won't be the last time.
But it turns out that... I REALLY WANT THIS! Whatever 'this' is.
This is freedom. This is passion. This is a courage. This is craziness. This is risky.
It has to be NOW, or it will be never. All or nothing. Throw myself all in or not at all. The reams and reams of pages with my visions and dreams and ideas on it have to be birthed and turned from pen and paper to reality.
I know 'this' is worth fighting for.
The limiting beliefs I have instilled in myself that I am not good enough/clever enough/knowledgeable enough/experienced enough... have to be transitioned into constructive new beliefs to take me forward. It isn't easy.
Surrounding yourself with support
A few weekends ago several amazing things happened, and I almost didn't allow them to happen due to the belief that I wouldn't be able to cope with them. I spent three days in London - a place that often makes me feel small and insignificant and doubtful over the importance of my existence.
On the first day I met with the amazing chef Ceri Jones to discuss a retreat that we will be running together in Portugal, (watch this space - details coming soon). On the second day I spent an hour listening to Jody Shields and then an amazing few hours with my mentor Lauren Armes - both women are living proof that you can do anything you put your mind to. On the third day I was lucky enough to have a whole day with Vix from New Age Hipster at her She Ra workshop talking about all things goddess related and tapping into the incredible strength and power that we as women have.
And I just thought to myself... THIS IS IT.
Don't underestimate the power that we have as a collective tribe. When that energy comes together, we can literally move mountains.
Go big or go home Lauren.
When I am surrounded by powerful, incredible, inspiring people - I simply cannot play the small game.
You guys are my witnesses to this, and I AM GOING BIG.
No more limiting beliefs.
No more thinking that good things won't happen to me.
No more fear of speaking my whole truth.
No more worrying that people will think I am weak if I cry, or a bulldozer if I act like a badass. I am a woman and it is my prerogative to roll with my emotions.
No more giving my power to people who don't deserve it.
My mission in one word... STRENGTH.
You and me, we have immense strength and despite not always being connected to it - it is there IN ABUNDANCE. My yoga teaching, my empowerment & mindset coaching, my business mentoring, my writing, my social media... every cell in my body is committed to both my own personal strength and helping others see their own.
So now the question is... are you with me?
Join me on a retreat or workshop here.
Email me to book your free 30 minute consultation here.