I have a confession to make... I have a fear... and that fear is of not being needed. I realised it while lying on my yoga mat this morning. I lay there and I felt a slight anxiety in my body and wondered what it was all about.
I have felt a strong desire over the last couple of days to open my heart up, yet I was scared to do it incase it brought up feelings I couldn't deal with. But then I reminded myself of a promise I made myself, to always explore the emotions and feelings that come up, no matter what they bring about. So I lay on my mat, in a restorative pose called supported fish. By placing a pillow or block under your back just under the shoulder blades (around bra strap height if you are a girl) and allowing yourself to let the weight of your body fall into the earth, it gently opens your chest, and therefore your heart area.
Breathing into this area of my body allowed me to make space and connect with what I was feeling and the overwhelming thought was that people I love in my life don't always need me.
At first it felt painful acknowledging this thought. It felt like I was redundant from my services. I like to do things for others. I like to be there, to support them, to make their life a teeny bit easier if I can. It helps me feel fulfilled in some way. Rightly or wrongly - it is the honest truth and I suspect this is why I have come to be in a career that enables me to give to others on a daily basis.
After the initial, slightly choking feeling, of admitting to myself that people don't and won't always need me, I started to look at what lay beneath it. I got curious. I would normally journal but lately I have found that taking to my yoga mat is like a physical journal - I can move my body as a way of expressing my feelings instead of simply writing them down.
People have to lead their own lives. They have to save themselves. I cannot do it for them no matter how hard I try. And the realisation came to me that while I thrive on the feeling that other people need me and that I can help them, I also really need them. I need to be surrounded by people who support and love me, and who let me be myself.
And above all, I need to be there for myself. I need to be completely 100% present to my own needs. I have to listen to them, foilow my intuition, connect with myself. All of the things I have written about this week - they are my own needs which is why I feel so strongly about sharing them with others.
Our fears, our anxieties, our doubts - they are real and they are there for a reason. They teach us what we need to know in order to grow. The problem comes when we don't acknowledge and accept them.
Humans need other humans. We need eachother. There is someone out there right now that needs you. And even if it is simply sending compassionate thoughts towards them - there is great power in just knowing that we can all be united by this innate feeling of needing eachother.