What do you need to let go of?
This title is a little misleading, because I am making it sound like I am asking you what you need to let go of - and I am in a way, but really I am questioning myself here. What do I need to let go of? August has been both an amazingly incredible month of adjustment and adventure, however it has also been one of the most challenging times yet. I thought that being away from home doing my yoga teacher training was hard - but actually that was simple in comparison to the inner turmoil I have been having with myself over the past four weeks.
For the past decade (and before) I have been in a constant state if pushing. Action. I pride myself on being a go getter. I am determined and committed. I will not rest until I have achieved exactly what I set out to do. I have always felt a sense of pride for these traits and thought that people respected me because of this attitude.
I MADE things happen. I hid emotions so deeply with a 'no weakness' approach. I embodied my masculine energy - and totally disregarded my soft, feminine side. I was totally out of balance - but I believed that it was the way it had to be in order to be a 'badass business girl.'
But this month, having discovered something that allows me to embrace and celebrate my divine, soft, caring and nurturing side, I have put my heart and soul into my yoga classes and private tuition. And I now realise that in order to thrive, and not just survive, in my new lifestyle - I absolutely HAVE to find some stillness and slow down.
Unearthing the real me
I have had no choice but to listen and to find some periods of stillness. Relish some calm and quiet, and finally surrender to the signs that my body is giving me. Over ten years of constant 'driving' and not letting up on myself has come to a head and forced me to re-evaluate the way I live my life and the things that are serving me, versus the things that are draining me.
I have had to let go of that bolshy woman who will stop at nothing to get where she wants to be. I have had to let go of that list-making, non-stop-working, competitive, ego-driven girl who believes that success is defined by how 'hard' she is working.
This isn't to say that I don't still have determination and passion and drive, but it is coming from a compassionate place of giving and nourishing rather than taking and earning.
A new experience
Never before have I felt such pride as when I am teaching a yoga class, helping people find their own inner guidance and discover their own little places of serenity.
Never before have I felt that heart swelling moment that came when a student just made a tiny bit of progress from one class to the next.
Never before have I been so happy to receive an email from someone who I have only just met to tell me what a difference just one 60 minute session has made to their mindset and the way their body feels.
Never before have I felt that I am genuinely giving and helping people in a completely authentic way - directly from my heart to theirs.
Never before have I watched in awe and felt the energy in a room where I have created a space that allows people to bring mind and body together in order to literally breathe life into themselves.
Conversations with my ego
But with this power comes great responsibility. Giving myself so openly has made me feel more vulnerable than ever. More doubtful and more fearful. It has triggered every single feeling and every single niggle in my mind and body and I have been in a constant discussion with my ego.
Every day that little voice of doubt tries to throw me off track with temptations into my old lifestyle... 'you should be writing more, you need to be earning more, you must go back to that, you better spend more hours at your desk'.
And every day I have to tell that voice... I am enough just as I am. I can make this work. I do deserve it. I am worthy of the success that is already coming. I don't need to be doing a million things a day at a million miles an hour to be classed as successful.
The part where I let go
On a practical level I come back to my 'safe' options in terms of earning money and financial supporting myself which is PR, Content Creation, Business Strategy... all of the things that I know are reliable ways to earn an income. But they feel heavy. They feel draining. They feel foggy. But they do feel safe.
My ego wants to drag me back to safety and certainty. And I am thankful for that protection. But my heart does not want the same things.
My heart wants to throw myself deeply into my yoga and the creativity that comes with that. Building my teaching business, learning each and every day to deepen my own practice and help others deepen theirs, providing space to more people, reaching far and wide and spreading my own unique messages.
For a long time I have been helping other people with their communication. I am good at it. I have enjoyed it, but all along I have been hiding this innate desire to communicate MY messages. But let's be honest here... when we put ourselves out there, with nobody else to hide behind, that is terrifying.
What if people don't like it? What if people don't get it? What if I say the wrong thing? What if I get something incorrect? What if I can't help EVERYBODY?
Some people won't like it. Some people won't get it. I am very likely to say something incorrect at some point - but I am not perfect and I am not trying to be. And the biggy... I CANNOT help everybody. Some people are not ready to be helped or supported. I HAVE to accept this.
So what do I need to let go of?
It is, quite simply my rush to get 'there'.