Is Self Development Sabotaging Our Nervous Systems?
Over the past decade I have learned a lot about stress. I have burned out over and over again - both from a physical point of view and also from a mental and emotional point of view.
Time after time I have found myself exhausted, flat, uninspired, numb… in a place of total disconnect. And I have to keep questioning why this lesson is something I seem to need to learn over and over again.
The more I speak to people, the more I see just how important it is to focus on living a life that supports the nervous system. But we often only think of this as a physical element of wellbeing.
Battling burnout
My journey with burnout began with exhausting myself physically. Being ‘on the go’ all the time, not resting my body, not giving myself a chance to restore or recover. My body used to ache intensely after every workout, my recovery was slow, my body eventually made it’s statement through a back injury and simultaneously by my menstrual cycle stopping for four years.
When I finally learned to rest my body, I found myself diving into every kind of spiritual practice that I could find to help heal or ‘better’ myself. I never imagined that it could bring about the same level of exhaustion as physically exerting myself.
The result… overwhelm, a feeling that I was not doing ‘enough’, that I was not working hard enough on my mindset… cue another kind of burnout… emotionally I was depleted. My nervous system was under so much pressure. The truth is my body couldn’t really differentiate between the stress of physical exhaustion, and mental exhaustion and the negative self talk was causing just as much harm as the physical over exertion had - if not more!
WHAT WAS THE ROOT OF THIS?
Now, on reflection, I can see that every time I have pushed myself in the past, to exercise more, to eat restrictively, to ‘better’ myself with another self development book, it all stemmed from a place of lack in my own self worth.
The feelings of ‘not doing enough’, not ‘being of value’, not working ‘hard enough’.
Feeling like I need to constantly do better in order to be a valid member of society. To be respected. To be valued. To be loved.
Eat better. Be kinder. Be more loving. Exercise more. Be more conscious. Do more yoga. More meditation. Read more books. Go on more courses. Do more healing work. More morning rituals. More spiritual development.
I felt like I was never doing enough. No matter how many books I read, trainings I did, green smoothies I had.
Never. Doing. Enough.
WHAT DOES THIS DO TO THE NERVOUS SYSTEM?
It makes us feel like we are under threat.
It makes us feel like people won’t ‘like us’ if we don’t do ‘all the things’. And if people don’t like us then we won’t be accepted, we won’t belong. And what does our primal instinct say about not belonging? Rejection. Abandonment. And whilst it may sound dramatic… on a very simplistic level… Death.
So we put pressure on ourselves to do more and be more. We believe we are not doing enough so we add more to the to do list. We shapeshift to fit in, we find it hard to find ‘our’ community, we constantly feel like there is something missing and that maybe if we just do this one more ‘thing’ those feelings will all go away.
In my case I turned to books and courses and looked for teachers that could make me feel worthy. But for the most part - I simply felt less and less like I was ‘enough’.
Unfortunately there are a lot of messages out there to constantly be better than we are currently. I am a huge advocate of learning, growing and embracing evolution but ONLY when it comes from a feeling of ‘enough. Not from a position of unworthiness.
THE MESSY TRUTH… NO BOOK, TEACHER, COACH, COURSE… WILL MAKE YOU FEEL GOOD ENOUGH. THE ONLY PERSON WHO CAN DO THAT IS YOU.
How do you value yourself? What makes you feel worthy?
Is it getting all the things ticked off your ‘to do’ list? I know that I have been guilty of that in the past.
What are the things in life that you feel like you ‘should’ be doing? Do you want to do them because they will make you feel more worthy? Or are they actually aligned with your higher purpose?
What are you ‘putting off’ doing until you have done/learned/qualified in something else? Is it really true that you need to do these before you take a step forward, or could you begin now?
These are questions to get curious with. There is no judgement here - no need to criticise yourself if you you are coming from a place of not feeling worthy. Unfortunately society celebrates ‘doing’ and not ‘being’. Success is often measured in how hard you work, what title you earn, how many balls you appear to be juggling.
Success is rarely celebrated on spaciousness, peacefulness and the amount of time we rest.
Awareness is the first step
Once you become aware of a habit or a pattern that is not serving you then you can take some baby steps to compassionately learn from it.
We are constantly told to push ourselves out of our comfort zone - that nothing ever grows in that safe little bubble - but sometimes when we go too far out it can have a hugely negative effect on our nervous systems. Yes take the leap, but also be mindful of your level of stress tolerance and go at your own pace.
This may vary depending on the time of your life.
For example, when you have just had a baby and are surviving on a few hours of sleep and your body is already exhausted - your growth may need to come in very gentle baby steps.
When you are high energy, feeling strong and well rested - you may well be able to evolve at a faster, more intense pace without putting additional pressure on your nervous system.
Go at your own pace. Yes keep moving, but at a gentle pace that feels replenishing.
We are constantly told to nourish our body with good food and healthy living, but taking it a step further I think nourishment for the nervous system is paramount for our own sustainable energy,
My favourite ways to care for my nervous system…
Two minutes of closing the eyes and deep breathing, focusing on a longer exhale than inhale. This is great to do when you are in a stressful situation.
Yoga Nidra - this practice is the most replenishing practice I have discovered for the nervous system.
Getting into nature and leaning against a big strong tree.
Eating a meal with a good amount of protein and healthy fats - to keep the blood sugar balanced and preventing the high and low anxiety inducing blood sugar rollercoaster.
Having a salt bath with a couple of drops of lavender essential oil to soothe my body and my mind.
Placing my hands on my belly or heartspace and silently saying to myself, ‘I am safe’.
WHATEVER YOU CHOOSE, IT NEEDS TO DONE GENTLY, KINDLY, WITH DEEP LOVING BREATHS.
It takes time. I realised today that it is approaching 10 years since I hit rock bottom with my anxiety. And I don’t say that to terrify you into thinking it has to take 10 years to make any kind of progress… but there is no way of rushing it through. Believe me I tried.
If you want to do something sustainable and soothing, look at ways you can implement small daily steps to begin with and gradually, while letting your nervous system know it is safe, it is loved, it is cared for, you can increase these things.
Write a list of the things you want to do over the next 6 months. What would you like to bring in, and what would you like to let go of?
How can you slowly evolve this process in a way that feels loving and gentle?
2 minutes of meditation a day?
3 deep breaths before you go to sleep?
5 minutes of stretching when you get up in the morning?
Of course these are just examples. But I want to say to you, at a time of year when everyone is trying to tell you to ‘do more, be better’… that whatever you do, do it from love and do it because it makes you feel alive - not because it makes you feel more worthy.
YOU ARE ENOUGH. YOU ARE DOING ENOUGH. YOU CAN DO LESS THAN YOU ARE DOING NOW AND STILL BE MORE THAN ENOUGH.
Let’s make 2020 the year we make choices in life, in business, in relationships, in self development… that soothe our nervous system, instead of sabotaging in.
Lx
PS… if this resonates with you then please let me know in the comments below, or drop me an email here.
