The Shadow Side of Productivity
I have written about productivity many times before, and how I feel that it has become an often detrimental addiction for many of us. And now, in lockdown, when so many people are being faced with an enforced change of lifestyle - I have become more awake to a different perspective on productivity and the link to work, worthiness and ultimately, love and connection.
We live in a world, where, for a lot of us, we base our value on work. This of course isn’t the case for everyone, but from my own experience, and a lot of people I know, it started back at school when we were rewarded for how hard we worked, how good our grades were, how much we studied for exams, how successful we were in the workplace, how much work we could get done, how much money we could earn… etc, etc.
Our value has very much gone hand in hand with our work ethic. I for one have always been celebrated for my ability to work hard.
However, the more I delve deeper into my own healing journey, the more I learn and study the nervous system and the more I work with others, I am understanding that there is a huge number of people who have grown up believing, on a very deep sub conscious level, that ‘being productive’, ‘high achieving’ and ‘being super busy’, has become a behavioural pattern that keeps us safe.
Productivity and our nervous system
On a very simplistic level of this, when we look at our primal nature, our fundamental instinct for belonging and safety is something we are born with. As a baby, if we do not belong, are abandoned or rejected by our carers, then we will die. Our instinct to survive is so strong we will do anything to be taken care of.
As we grow older we maintain this desire for survival, it can feel more or less sensitive in different people, but ultimately we don’t lose this desire to survive. So we will do what we need to do to fit in, to belong, to ensure we are not rejected by our carers.
Breaking this down looks like…
Being loved and liked means being part of our community/family.
Being part of community/family is belonging.
Belonging means we are cared for and not rejected.
Not being rejected, or abandoned equals being taken care of.
Being taken care of equals survival.
So, in essence, if we do anything to jeopordise these feelings of safety and belonging then our nervous systems will activate a response to ensure that we prioritise this safety. If we go outside of our threshold - which will vary for everyone as to what that looks like - the fear response kicks in, the panic, the anxiety, the worries of being rejected or abandoned. These resistances are often what holds us in a place of not moving forward in life or changing habits because ultimately they have been a safety mechanism to keep us alive.
These safety mechanisms can show up in different ways. Most often ways ways that we don’t even consciously notice.
You might notice this arising in various different ways. Self criticism, irritation, anger, frustration, fear, anxiety, worry, overthinking, a desire to over produce and over work, feeling like you aren’t doing enough, generally just feeling unsettled and ungrounded.
My own journey
Looking back at my journey and seeing myself as that woman lying on a yoga mat at the end of a pilates class being asked to relax and going into the flight response and literally wanting to run out of there because actually my nervous system has been programmed to believe that I need to be doing things in order to be safe. I can see now why I felt so anxious in that space.
My belief has always been… I need to be productive in order for others to see me as achieving things, and at the simple level, achieving something gets me recognition and respect, and validation. Which suggests to me that people think I am doing a good job. Which feeds into this need to be the ‘good girl’. to be seen as doing the right thing. Which feeds into this desire and need to be loved. Which feeds into the need to belong and not be abandoned and rejected. Which is an instinctive survival mechanism.
SO I SUDDENLY SEE THAT, WHILE I HAVE BEEN TRYING TO REST MORE, AND TEACH OTHERS OF THE HEALING POWER OF REST (WHICH I WHOLEHEARTEDLY DO BELIEVE IT IS) UNLESS WE COME BACK TO THE VERY CORE OF IT, WHICH IS TO RELEARN HOW TO REST, AND TO HEAL OUR NERVOUS SYSTEMS SO THAT REST DOESN’T THREATEN OUR SURVIVAL, THIS WHOLE PROCESS IS FLAWED.
Of course our rational mind knows that many of these things are not actually a threat to our life - hence why we often beat ourselves up for not making changes, or doing things that are challenging because they feel scary.
Slowing down and safety
Because society has become a place where achievement and being busy, and juggling ‘all the things’ is so highly regarded as a marker of success - they have become ways that we can show our worthiness, ensure we are praised and shown ‘love’ or feelings that make us feel like we are of value, and therefore maintaining our connection to our community, and ultimately keep us safe.
If you have grown up feeling respected, or loved, or validated by productivity, then any time you start to slow down - whether it is during a global pandemic, or not - your nervous system will start to see this behaviour as threatening - hence why so many people get anxious when they are forced to slow down, or aren’t able to keep busy.
For so many people, me included, we have learned to define our worth and our success based on ‘how much we can do’.
Generational habits
When you look back at past generations, there has been a huge emphasis on work ethic and ‘hard work’. It is not a criticism, it is simply the way that things have evolved. Perhaps our carer’s carers growing up had similar beliefs and so instilled a sense of needing good grades, or to work really hard in order to prove themselves, and that made us believe that in order to fit in, to be loved, we had to do the same? Most of the time at school we are only celebrated when we ‘achieve’ good results. In our careers we are rarely acknowledged for being in a calm state of mind - it is always about results and about working hard.
So at a time like now, when many people are not able to be as ‘productive’, or not as able to sustain the same level of work, or high standards, or self expectations as before, this is ultimately bringing these fears online and triggering off a nervous system response that makes us feel under threat.
Not only are we experiencing the very real threat of a global pandemic, but we are also feeling the impact that changing our coping mechanisms, our structures of productivity, that have helped us to stay safe for all this time, and for some that is more terrifying than the virus itself. For some that feels more risky.
Coming face to face with this
I notice this within myself. I have always taken pride in my work ethic, in my ability to juggle many things, to achieve a lot in a day, to be hugely productive. It is something I have been aware of for a long time, and now as a mother of a 7 month old baby - and having no option of childcare - I am forced with having to surrender to the fact that my way of proving my worth to the world is no longer available. I simply cannot do the level of juggling and ‘high achieving’ that I did before.
But this is purely a state of mind and when I look closely at what I am achieving it is actually immense - but generally speaking society doesn’t celebrate the things I am ‘doing’. Like taking care of a baby, running a household, supporting my mental health, making sure we all get fresh air, and healthy meals. I am busier than ever - but yet still I feel anxious because what if I am not valued for these things? Will people love me less?
I KNOW RATIONALLY THAT OF COURSE I WON’T BE LOVED ANY LESS… BUT ON A DEEP LEVEL THERE IS A PART OF ME THAT ISN’T 100% CONVINCED OF THIS.
Being a mother is the toughest job I have done by far, but it isn’t celebrated in the same way as a paid career is - and so there has been a real process of having to let myself shift out of the ‘doing’ mode from before, and into being present and aware of her needs - without feeling guilt, or shame, or threat over what might happen by not doing the things I was used to doing.
For some this level of threat is a supercharged sensitivity, and others have a higher threshold and don’t feel as unsafe in this space. But if, like me, you have always defined your worth on ‘getting sh*t done’, then I want you to know that I see you, I hear you, and I send love to you.
What can you do right now to support yourself?
Ultimately this is about safety, about feeling safe within your body during this time, so the most important things you can do are know what makes you feel safest, while also making baby steps to accept the changes that are being enforced.
SOME THINGS THAT HELP ME THAT MIGHT HELP…
Grounding - I say it all the time but it really is powerful. Whatever brings you into the body and connects you deeper with feeling secure, rooted. Both feet on the floor, noticing what is in your environment, connecting to the earth and mother nature - all of these things can help you feel safer energetically.
Placing your hands on your body in a soothing way that feels nurturing and soothing. Over the heart space or belly can be particularly centering.
Self compassion - know that this is phsyiological and that you are not ‘broken’ or in need of being ‘fixed’, this is your body actually doing it’s best for you.
Asking the part of you that feels unsafe - what do you need? What would make you feel safer right now? And allowing yourself to give that.
Meditation - doing all that you can to activate the parasympathetic nervous system during periods which are particularly challenging. Just 90 seconds of closing the eyes and focusing on a single point such as the breath can activate the rest and digest state within you.
Connection - when our feelings of belonging are threatened, particularly in periods of isolation, then connection is more important than ever. This of course looks different at the moment than normal, but a phone call, a message, a video call is better than no connection at all. Reach out for yourself, and also for others.
Inner child healing - for most of us this stems from a younger part of us that needs to seen and nurtured. Giving this part of us what we needed back then - love, forgiveness, support, a cuddle - can be incredibly powerful.
Saying the words to yourself… I am safe. Sounds so simple - but can be so soothing.
There are so many ways that you might be feeling this and I want you to know that I am holding space for that part of you that is terrified to let go and just be.
A healing opportunity
These times are invitations to be gentle. To be compassionate to the parts of us that are scared, that are being challenged right now. I also see it as a great healing opportunity and a chance to change the ‘norm’.
We need to change the expectations, shift the paradigms to honour, celebrate and encourage a different way of being. A healthy, nourishing balance of aligned and inspired action derived from creativity and having a full cup where the world is thriving, not just surviving. It is time to start to move away from the outdated versions of what ‘work ethic’ really is. A new definition is in order.
I WANT IT FOR MY DAUGHTER, AND THE GENERATIONS TO COME BEYOND HER. I HOPE THAT BY RAISING AWARENESS OF THESE WAYS OF BEING, WE CAN START TO MAKE THE CHANGES NECESSARY FOR THE FUTURE OF HUMANS, AND THE PLANET AS A WHOLE.
Lx
