Are You in a Self Comparison Trap?

Something struck me the other day…

Comparison is such a harmful pattern of behaviour, comparing ourselves to anyone else is only going to lead to misery and suffering because the truth of the matter is that we cannot be anyone but ourselves and the sooner we make peace with that and accept it then the sooner we will find more ease and contentment in our lives.

There is a time and a place to look beyond ourselves for inspiration and motivation, for learning and evolving - but the minute it brings up that voice of ‘you are not as good as…’ or ‘you aren’t doing as much as…’ it is time to give that pattern the finger!

While we know and understand that comparing ourselves to other people may not be fruitful, what if there is a deeper, potentially more harmful form of comparison that is causing us to suffer?

I noticed this in myself recently - perhaps triggered off by motherhood, or perhaps just highlighted because my life is so drastically different to all that I have been previously.

It is self comparison.

What do I mean by that?

I AM TALKING ABOUT COMPARING OURSELVES TO OURSELVES.

Read that line again and let it sink in for a moment.

Comparing ourselves now, to ourselves in the past. ‘I wish I still…’, ‘When I was…’, ‘I should be more like…’…

Of course, sometimes this could be a celebratory affair, to look at just how far we have evolved and the amazing things we have achieved. But more often than not we forget to do that and focus on all that we are NOT instead of all that we have BECOME.

It can quickly become another way to criticise ourselves.

If we are comparing ourselves to a younger version of us, wondering why we aren’t the same as we used to be… that can be so harmful and potentially keeps us in a loop of not feeling good enough NOW.

We are here to evolve - and when we start comparing ourselves to previous versions, wishing we could be like that again we are effectively telling ourselves that where we are at is not good enough.

Think about what kind of message that would send to a friend if you told them that they were not as pretty/smart/successful/…….(fill in the blank) as they used to be - can you imagine the pain that would cause?

Would you ever do that?

I am pretty certain the answer is a no.

So why do we do it to ourselves? Why do we compare the person we were then to the person we are now?

Sometimes I catch myself looking at old photos… when I was thinner, looked younger, had less responsibilities… the list goes on - and I have to remind myself of the person that I was under the surface. Anxious, lost, scared, numb…. it is so easy to think with rose tinted glasses about our previous selves.

There are of course also times that were happy, and glorious, and joyful, and when we are going through tough and challenging times in the present moment it can be so painful to look back and compare where we are at now to then.

I am not saying forget those moments, or disregard your emotions - but if you start to speak critically towards yourself because you are not where you used to be I beg you to come back to compassion and kindness.

Is this holding you back right now?

I am a totally different person to the one I was a year ago, 6 months ago, a week ago even! My life has changed and my circumstances are very different to what they used to be.

As a mother now my days look totally different to what they used to. I used to be far more ‘productive’, I used to have time to be on my own, to paint, to dance, to meditate, to cook fancy food, to dress differently. For a while I tried to be that person still - continuing to base my worthiness on achieving the same things that I used to do.

I am now forced to surrender to the fact that I am not, and will never be, the same as I was. And actually comparing myself and my achievements to the ‘old me’ is both harmful and unkind.

I can look at my ‘old self’ and be thankful, grateful, and even see things in her that I admire and aspire to welcome back in a new format - but not at the expense of loving myself right now as I am.

Here are a few questions to journal over, or ponder when this self comparison starts to bubble up…

• What it is it about that part of me that I miss?

• Do I need to give myself a chance to grieve this version of myself?

• What would be different if I didn’t spend my time focusing on this version of my old self?

• What do I need to give myself now to help me move on?

• What can I be grateful for right now?

• What gentle step could I take right now to empower my current self?

EVERY STAGE OF OUR LIFE WE ARE GIVEN AN OPPORTUNITY TO LOVE OURSELVES HARDER, DEEPER…

I BELIEVE WHEN COMPARISON BEGINS TO SHOW UP IT IS YET ANOTHER OPPORTUNITY TO COME BACK TO SELF LOVE.

It always comes back to love.

Let me know in the comments if any of this strikes a chord with you.

Lx