Is Your Inner Good Girl Taking Up Too Much Space?
Perfectionism, people pleasing, fear of getting it ‘wrong’, over achieving, over controlling… these are some of the shadows of the ‘good girl’, and until recently I was blissfully unaware of the impact ‘she’ was having in my life.
When the Black Lives Matter movement came to the forefront earlier this year - I was catapulted into the depths of meeting my inner ‘good girl’. And despite her name leading us to believe that she is all sweetness and light - this was a dark and murky experience.
When my own relationship and role with racism and white privilege was highlighted, and I saw it for what it truly was, my inner good girl completely stole the show.
She was terrified of saying the ‘wrong’ thing, she was terrified of being called out, she was terrified of being misunderstood, she was terrified of being criticised, not being seen as perfect, not been liked, not being seen as ‘good’.
So she shut me down. She would prefer to keep her mouth firmly shut over saying something that might be confronted.
Witnessing this part of me was awakening, insightful and also pretty uncomfortable.
I could suddenly see just how much this inner good girl was leading my life.
A bit about the good girl…
The good girl doesn’t want to get it wrong. She would rather dim her light and stay quiet than make a mistake and be pulled up on it.
The good girl stays subtle, stays quiet, doesn’t want to cause a scene - so will rarely stand up for something unless she knows 100% that she has ‘perfected’ it.
This leads the good girl to hide behind perfectionism and self criticism, she is unlikely to share her work or her message until she has got the certificate/trained/received an accolade for it - she needs to be sure it is ‘right’ and that nobody can tell her otherwise. So she often doesn’t share at all.
The good girl is scared to show her wild, her mess, her chaos. She wants to have it all in a tidy package with a neat little bow on it. She doesn’t want to confuse or cause any form of misunderstanding that could lead to someone thinking negatively of her.
At the heart of her she fears that if she gets it wrong then she will be abandoned and rejected by her community and loved ones - because growing up she was rewarded, celebrated and validated for maintaining these high standards.
Does any of this sound familiar?
When I truly saw the good girl in action within me, I could suddenly see how she was dictating so many elements of my life…
She showed up in the way I expressed my work - fearing not appealing to ‘everyone’ in case I upset, offended or left someone out.
She showed up in the way I communicated with my family - sometimes not sharing the raw truth for fear of being misunderstood.
She showed up in friendships - not enforcing clear boundaries or speaking up if something didn’t sit right with me.
She showed up in my art and creativity - not sharing unless I felt things were perfect and A* standard (hello school grading system!)
She showed up in the way I mother - worrying about being judged for my decisions as a Mum by people who were further along the journey than me.
She showed up in the way I expressed myself as a woman - my sexuality, my sensuality, my vulnerability, my feminine superpowers - fearing being ‘too much’, ‘too wild’, ‘too free’.
She also showed up in a longing - a craving - a desire for wildness and freedom but feeling as though she couldn’t have that AND be loved and supported.
Some of the things the good girl says…
Work hard.
Don’t speak out of turn.
Don’t ask too many questions.
Don’t take up too much space.
Don’t confront.
Keep your voice down.
Don’t rock the boat.
Don’t be different.
Don’t show too much of yourself.
Don’t speak back.
Don’t be too confident.
Are there any you would add to this list?
OF COURSE THERE IS A BALANCE TO BE ESTABLISHED, AND RESPECT, KINDNESS AND COMPASSION ARE ALL IMPORTANT - SO I AM NOT SAYING THAT EVERYTHING WE HAVE BEEN TAUGHT IS ‘BAD’. BUT I THINK THAT PERHAPS THE GOOD GIRL MIGHT BE TAKING UP A LITTLE TOO MUCH SPACE THAN IS NECESSARY.
Facing my own good girl shadows
I was not always a ‘good girl’ at school - I challenged and questioned, I spoke out of turn, I was loud, I was expressive, I didn’t sit and comply. And I was often punished for it. Time after time, after time I was told to be quiet, to sit still, to fit into a mould that was not me. Over time I dimmed myself to fit in.
I was separated from my peers as punishment. Put in ‘the corner’, or in another room alone - the punishment for not conforming was to be taken away from my community and my peers. Over time my free spirit was gradually shaped to be less expressive, less true, less wild.
I DON’T THINK IT IS COINCIDENCE THAT THIS GOOD GIRL MENTALITY HAS COME TO LIGHT NOW THAT I AM A MOTHER.
Without even realising it - I have become hyper aware of the fact that I use the phrase ‘good girl’ to praise Sophia.
When she eats all her dinner. When she sits patiently. When she doesn’t make a fuss.
As if these things that society has trained us to believe are ‘right’ are a formula to how you are supposed to show up in the world.
I desire nothing more than my daughter to feel free and expressive and powerful beyond measure, so I am now unpicking the good girl within me, and am doing my absolute best to raise her as as STRONG girl, an EXPRESSIVE girl, an EMPOWERED girl, a CONFIDENT girl, a KIND girl.
But I will not be raising her to be a ‘good girl’.
So here’s to the death of the good girl. May we honour the ways in which she has served us, but kindly ask her to take a back seat from this day forward.
Remember…
Take your time.
Be gentle.
Do not use this as an opportunity to shame or criticise yourself.
Soothe your nervous system constantly.
This is an ‘unlearning’ and with that comes discomfort as we peel away the safety nets.
Your pace is perfect.
Love yourself fiercely through the process.
Are you with me? Comment below, share this with anyone it might resonate with, and drop me an email if you want to keep the conversation going.
Lx
