Six Steps on the Path to Self Love

Self love is one of those phrases that is thrown around like confetti in the wellbeing world. And I do believe that it is - at its core - a really important part of our healing journey. BUT it is also a huge hurdle for many people.

Put any positive word with ‘self’ and it somehow becomes more challenging. We can love others. We can be grateful for others. We can support and hold space for others, however to turn that onto ourselves often comes with much resistance.

One of my biggest fears is to be called selfish or self centered. It stems back to my teenage years. I perceived this to mean that any form of positive focus on myself was something that could lead me to being outcast by my peer group. That was far too risky to do, and so it became a habitual pattern to be unkind and down on myself in order to fit in and ensure I was ‘liked’.

This meant not celebrating my successes. Not seeing my own beauty. Not being proud when I achieved something. Not being kind to myself when I struggled. It has taken me many years of practice, of unlearning, and healing to allow myself to see myself in any positive light at all.

Deep rooted…

It is important to understand that so many of these patterns and behaviours come from our subconscious, formed when we are children, or young adults, and our priority was to gain love and a sense of belonging. It is a survival instinct and therefore something that is not always easy to just ‘think’ our way out of things. Some of these patterns can span decades and decades - so to just ‘undo’ them with a couple of affirmations or positive vibes is unlikely to stick.

There is also a lot of pressure on us to ‘self love’, and it can become another thing that we just ‘can’t grasp’ - and therefore fuels low self worth and personal criticism. We are often told that if we cannot love ourselves that we can’t truly love another, or that we won’t be good role models for our children, or we won’t attract the people and experiences into our life we want… the list goes on and this pressure can be yet another thing on our list that we are not ‘achieving’.

On never being ‘ready’…

I thought that when I had ‘nailed’ self love - and by nailed it I mean never having a single doubt about my body/appearance/confidence/self worth/limiting beliefs/purpose in life/relationships… etc, etc, THEN, and only THEN, could I support others in the journey. So it took me a long time to share things that were actually hugely beneficial to people because I hadn’t got myself to the perfect point.

But in reality, and maybe this is just me, but being a human being in this lifetime - I don’t think I will ever have all of those things ‘nailed’ 100% of the time. Sure… they can become less consuming - and that inner ‘mean girl’ has got a lot quieter than she used to be - but I am real and raw and ever-changing. So if I wait until I am 100% in love with myself at every second of every day then I wouldn’t ever share my work at all.

I REALLY DO BELIEVE THAT LOVING OURSELVES IS IMPORTANT - BUT SOMETIMES, ESPECIALLY FOR THE PERFECTIONISTS AMONG US, IT BECOMES A BLOCK TO JUST STARTING SOMETHING.

Six sustainable steps…

So, here are some of the steps I have found to be supportive on the path to self love. Of course this is a journey of many layers, and as I have discovered, it is not an overnight transformation, but I hope that some of these may give you some things to ponder…

COMPASSIONATE AWARENESS

The first step to making any significant steps to cultivate a deeper, more loving relationship with yourself is to become aware of your current position. That means noticing the behaviour, the language you use towards yourself, the actions you take (or don’t take), and the way you show up for yourself. Awareness precedes change.

GENTLE ACCEPTANCE

Next is to meet these parts of yourself with acceptance. To be OK with them right now - this can take some time, but know that by accepting them it doesn’t mean they can’t change. It just means you are less at war with these parts of yourself and the focus is less on resisting them and more on meeting them and healing.

NURTURING YOUR NEEDS

You can then get curious and ask these parts of yourself, the parts that you struggle with, what is it that your inner self needs to know, to hear, and to experience in order to be a little kinder and more loving towards yourself? What would it take for the guard to go down and your true loving nature to be directed towards yourself?

STARTING WITH SELF LIKE

I have written about this before, but when self love feels way too far away then to start with self like is a beautiful step. It can be challenging to skip straight from not liking parts of yourself to full blown self love, so what can you do to bring a little more ‘like’ in. A lovely way to begin the self like journey is through gratitude, being appreciative of things about yourself and cultivating that grateful energy in all areas of your life.

SEEING OUR SHADOWS

True self love comes from not only loving the parts of us that are shiny and presentable - but also our shadows. This is where the real healing is. So to start to see, accept and embrace the pieces of ourselves that we have tried to hide - shame, anger, sadness, disgust… THIS is where the self love GOLD is. As much as you won’t want to face some of it - this is the piece that we simply cannot skip.

CREATING A SELF LOVE IDENTITY

There will be a part of you - maybe buried deeply but it is in there I am sure - that is pure love. Pure love for yourself and for others. When you hand over the responsibility for your own self love to this part of you - and make decisions, take action, and live your life from this identity - you are empowering self love instead of the voices that don’t come from your truest, original essence.

Gently does it…

I think that, above all, taking action in the direction of a more loving relationship with ourselves is the most beautiful way of showing our inner selves the evidence that it is safe to shift our perspectives. So taking baby steps and integrating these things into our lives on a gentle but regular basis is much more powerful than trying to force self love and then when it doesn’t work straight away - giving up on it all.

Remember… it is a practice lovely one, and you have time. Tread softly and gently on this path, and if you need extra support then please get in touch with me.

Lx