Understanding Our Emotional Reactions
For years I have been told on numerous occasions that I am ‘over reacting’.
But recently I have been noticing and observing my reactions and the response that I make to them.
When you are told something about yourself over and over again - eventually you will begin to believe it.
And yes - perhaps there is an element of truth in that the speed of my reactions can be quite swift at times.
But I believe these reactions stem from somewhere - a defensive mechanism that is offering us information if we choose to look carefully.
If we think of it from a primal point of view - these reactions are often a part of the ‘fight’ response that comes when our sympathetic nervous systems become activated. Something has made you feel threatened - and that may seem on the surface to be a totally irrational response because logically it is a minor incident - however deep down there could be a part of you that feels under threat.
PLUS if there are other factors that are leading our nervous systems to already feel under pressure - then these reactions will be exacerbated. This is why, I believe, these reactions and challenging emotions have been highlighted over the past few months during the pandemic.
Our window of tolerance may well be a lot more fragile than normal.
Let me share the pattern I have noticed and explain to you using example what I mean…
My daughter throws food on the floor when I am feeding her. The first few times I take a breath and ignore it, maybe I even laugh. Then on the fifth or sixth time I make a snappy response.
Instantly there is a part of me that shames me for this reaction. I tell myself that I shouldn’t have reacted in this way, that it must mean that I am not a patient and loving mother, that I am not worthy of having this beautiful soul as my daughter.
Some part of me feels under threat at this time. The part of me that is afraid to show an emotion that may cause me to be unloved or rejected.
My body feels constricted, tight and tense. My fists start to clench, my jaw tightens, my body braces.
It is like I am preparing myself for the onslaught of abuse that I am going to give myself. The criticism, the rejection, the cutting words that reinforce a fear that I don’t deserve this gift.
Instead of being compassionate and understanding, I tell myself I ‘shouldn’t’ react this way - and try and push these feelings away.
They build up and up over time and eventually lead to an outburst that ‘appears to come from nowhere’ when in fact it has been brewing for a while.
This reinforces my belief that I am ‘over reactive’ and leads me to criticise myself again for not ‘coping’ in a challenging situation.
Now… at this point I have two choices.
Spiral into self loathing and keep reinforcing the stories that I am telling myself. The chances are this will end up with me getting more and more tense, more and more frustrated.
OR….
See myself through the eyes of compassion. Ask what love would do in this instance. Bring an element of soothing tenderness to my own self. Choose to nourish my nervous system with grounding responses instead of punishing ones.
Which reaction do you think will lead me closer to love, closer to peace and closer to kindness?
Here are a few questions to ask yourself when you find yourself reacting in a way that challenges you…
Is this reaction because a boundary has been crossed? Do I need to re-evaluate or re-affirm my boundaries?
If I look beneath the initial reaction, what is the underlying emotion that is trying to be expressed?
Is there an unmet need physically or emotionally that I need to address that is trying to make itself known?
What part of me can soothe and nurture the part of me that feels defensive or in need to fight?
How does my nervous system need to be supported right now?
Getting to know yourself and your reactions more intimately will ultimately bring more emotional freedom and a sense of security within yourself. It might take time and awareness, but this is an opportunity to heal ourselves instead of hurt ourselves.
If this post sparks anything within, please share in the comments below, or reach out to me if you would like to explore it deeper through one to one support.
Lx
